


Breaking at the Seams

by octoberfeeling



Series: Tsunami [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Jeremy's leaving, M/M, Michael confesses like every two seconds but Jeremy is oblivious, Ouch, POV First Person, Pining, hahaha i'm in so much pain, i am in pain writing this, i'm projecting, it's sad, kind of an open letter format, like let me just warn you, michael loves him
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 14:17:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12300867
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/octoberfeeling/pseuds/octoberfeeling
Summary: Jeremy is moving away. Michael is drowning.





	Breaking at the Seams

**Author's Note:**

> This work is self-betaed; any and all glaring mistakes are my own.

Your driveway. It’s dark. It’s not that late, but it feels like midnight. It feels like we’ve been sitting on the couch for hours, days, avoiding this biting reality, the aching moment when we’re forced to untangle. When we have to rip apart the seams we’ve been stitching all these years.

You’re leaving. You have things to work out, things to learn, spaces in your own soul you have yet to grow into. You won’t even be that far away. I could drive to you if I had the money and the time. But everything hurts and everything is crashing and it feels like you’re headed to the moon. It feels like I’ll never see you again.

“See you soon,” you say.

Your driveway. Our arms. My fists knotted in the fabric of your shirt, the fabric of you, of us. I can’t let go. Maybe if I don’t let go, you’ll stay. Your head on my shoulder, face deep in the curve of my neck. I can feel your breath when you whisper, “I love you so much, Michael.”

And then I’m falling. Or have I been falling for years? Perhaps. Probably. But here, in your driveway, in your arms, I can feel the proximity of the ground. It’s close. I’m about to collapse onto it, head and heart cracking on the pavement. Because you don’t know, you couldn’t know. I’ve worked very hard not to let you know. But here’s the thing: falling in love with you didn’t feel like falling in love is supposed to feel.

First we were friends. We understood each other. Closeness came quickly. We had bared our souls within that first year more times than we could count. No one had ever made me feel like I made sense until you. You. I made sense with you.

I would have been content to go on like that forever, but my heart needed more. Begged for more. And now we’re in your driveway, and you love me, and I can’t find the words to say I love you back. I settle for “There aren’t words.” It’s not enough, could never be enough, but you know me. I feel you nod into my shoulder, your hair sweeping against my skin, making me shiver.

And then I can’t hold back the waves. They’ve been pushing at my eyelids since I got to your house, but there were other people around and we were supposed to be celebrating our friendship to you and to one another and I had to be strong.

Falling in love with you feels like a tsunami. It feels like a tsunami has been impatiently shoving at my eyelids, my throat, my ribcage, trying to escape. And I alone am charged with the task of holding it back. I must keep it from escaping and destroying the friendship we’ve built. I can’t let that much damage overtake the best part of my life. I’m cracking. I don’t know how much longer I can act as a wall.

The cracks become visible here, in your driveway, in your arms. I’m sobbing. It’s loud. I can’t control it. I don’t want to. You need to at least know how much pain I feel. You deserve that truth. Because I know you feel it too and I want you to know you don’t have to be strong for me.

Your cracks become visible too.

We’re both shaking. Our left shoulders are both tear-soaked. We can’t let go. Your dad’s voice is barely audible above the sobs when he tells us we have to. Time to go. Oh, god.

We pull apart but we’re still intertwined, face-to-face. Your eyes are locked on mine and they’re so beautiful, shining and blue and breaking my heart. I want to close the space. I want to let the waves go, crash into your lips and deal with the aftershocks later.

I don’t have time. You speak instead.

“This isn’t goodbye.” I can tell you’re having a hard time convincing us both, though we both know you’re right. This can’t be goodbye. We’ve forged too strong a bond for anything other than the grave to mean goodbye. Your sad smile shoves me closer to the edge, closer to confessing.

“You’re right.” There’s the sound of your dad’s keys. “I’ll see you soon.” The car is running. I feel like running.

In a moment of bravery I’ll never be able to explain, my lips drive themselves forward. I am not involved in this decision. I realize what my lips are doing in time to press them into your cheek for as long as you’ll let me.

Your head is on my shoulder again. I’m hanging in thin air.

“Thank you.” I can barely hear you. I don’t know what you mean. I love you.

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

I have never felt resistance like letting you walk toward the car. I have never felt pain like watching you wave as you drive away.

I have never wanted to walk in front of a moving car until now.

Your driveway. Thirty seconds later. I’m alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading this very painful drabble. Let me know what you think? <3
> 
> Feel free to follow me on tumblr: octoberfeeling


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